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Help! I Married A Succubus…
"If you're not going to do anything, I AM!!!" I exclaimed, pulling out a crucifix and Holy Bible...
It was 5:30 AM. My phone alarm was chiming mercilessly. Ugh, I thought. Need to get up. Grab a coffee. I’m the sort of person who’d sooner stay warm and cozy under the covers till a more civilized hour like eleven. As far as I’m concerned, “adulting” is way too hard.
But the Devil was at the wheel that day. We’d got a lot on. So there was little choice but to drag myself out of bed.
Then as soon as I turned my alarm off, my phone was pinging with emails - before I’d even had my morning coffee.
Okay, I thought, let’s take a look while I’m pouring some much-needed elixir from the caffeine gods. Hmmm... well, this one looks interesting.
Help I married a succubus!
We get all sorts emailing us. But this one took the biscuit. It was from a guy called Stanley in New Hampshire. Reading over his email he didn’t seem to be a straight-jacket type of guy. Considering the story he was telling us, he seemed perfectly sane.
So I talked things over with Doktor Snake. I had to call him as he was over in Transylvania (don’t ask). He felt there was something to Stanley’s story, and said we’d got several other clients in the area, so it would be worth me flying out to New Hampshire to assess the case.
“It’ll be a good experience for you,” said Dok, who still tends to treat me like I’m his sorcerer’s apprentice.
Besides Stanley, we scheduled several other appointments, including a lady in Kennebunkport, who believed her husband had been possessed by an evil spirit - and that he couldn’t be trusted not to harm her, despite previously having been a caring and considerate man, loved by everyone.
A week later, I was boarding a plane in Jackson, Mississippi, which took me to New York. From there I picked up a rental car over to New Hampshire.
I met Stanley in a Starbucks around the block from my hotel. I was curious to know why it was he believed his wife was a succubus - a female sex demon. So as I nibbled on a cranberry orange muffin I noted down key questions to ask him.
Then I heard a thick Boston accent asking, “Uh, you DA?” It was Stanley.
I flagged a waiter to take his order, and with Stanley taking a seat across the table from me, we began talking.
After exchanging social niceties, I asked him for the back story on why he believed his wife was a succubus.
“Up to now, all I’ve ever been interested in is one-nighters. I’m a confirmed bachelor and like it that way. Plus I’m the CEO of a successful software company, so don’t exactly want for money - nor do I intend to share it with some gold-digger bimbo. I’ve always been the type to get by on my looks and smooth talking. So I’d hit a dive bar and spin any tale like I’m married and my wife just doesn’t understand me. I’d even say I was a major cat lover, even though I hate cats. Hell, I’d have told ‘em I was a single mother if that would get them into the sack!”
Stanley smiled arrogantly, then leaned back in his seat, clearly geared up to continue with his bombastic diatribe. But I stopped him in his tracks. “Okay, I get it, you liked the single life. So how was it you ended up getting married?”
“About a year ago, I was dating a chick called Riley - a straight-up durp-da-durp, who was pushing for commitment. Even left her toothbrush in my bathroom. Can you believe that? Anyway, one night I decided it was time to hit a downtown bar on the south side of Manchester - the Wild Rover… Felt like it was time I did some ‘roving’ if you get my drift. So I hit up a few women with my best lines. Next thing I know the bouncer is ushering me to the door, saying it was an ‘upmarket establishment’ and women don’t take kindly to harassment. I’m like, ‘You’re kidding right?! With the bimbos you’ve got parading around, they might as well have price tags on their tits.’ Next thing I know I’m tasting the dirt on the sidewalk, not exactly horte cuisine. Just as I’m getting to my feet I’m met with a vision… the most stunningly beautiful and exotic woman I’ve ever seen. I kid you not, I was entranced.”
Stanley said her name was Asiel. She was from Thailand and had come over to the US as part of her job in foreign relations - or so she said. She had long black hair, eyes glowing obsidian, and a perfectly-formed physique, at least as far as Stanley was concerned.
"She just had something about her," continued Stanley. "I can't put my finger on it. A sort of magnetism, you can't say no to her. She's like a drug. Just being with her - I can't tell you how that made me feel. No woman has ever had that effect on me before. Nowhere close."
Maybe you just met the woman of your dreams? I said. None of this makes her a succubus - unless of course your ego can't take the fact you met a woman you're crazy about, and that you might be forced to be a bit less selfish in life...
Stanley didn't look too pleased with that but managed to regain his composure.
"Fair point. I hadn't thought of that one," he said. "I understand you're asking me these questions to get to the bottom of it. But it's not like that, it isn't."
OK, I said. But it sounds more like you should be overjoyed about your relationship with this woman. You haven't exactly painted a negative picture.
"The thing is, where I said she's like a drug, that's the truth. She's like heroin. I literally can't be without her. When she's not around I get sick; I have no energy; I feel listless. I pine for her. I'm beyond inconsolable without her. I'd dropped all my friends because she had this habit of appearing when I'd arranged to meet up with people. I canceled immediately; I was scared she'd leave and not come back. I just wanted to be with her. I needed to be with her."
It turned out that this was quite literally the case - he really did need her.
"It was towards the end of the first year we were together," he said. "When she wasn't around for a day or so I noticed my youth was waning. I saw a lot more wrinkles and my hair was going grey. Then when she returned, I'd got my youth back."
Trying to be delicate I pointed out that the succubus is a sex demon, and asked him how much this played a part with Asiel.
"We didn't do it - well not all the way. She drove me to distraction; we'd go to bed together and she'd take me to the heights of ecstasy, but just as I was about to take her, she would squeeze my sensitive area and say, 'I don't think so.' Then she'd be cold and I'd be begging her - not just for sex, like to actually do it, but just some warmth... I wanted her to love me."
It was clear to me that Stanley was being drained of his life force by this succubus. She (or it) was feeding on him. Her curtailing the sex act like that was about getting him to a fever pitch - his life force, known as "orgone" buzzing with vitality, and then feeding on it. It was a way of getting his life force to optimum energy levels so she would gain the most "nutrition" from it.
Doktor Snake jokes about this saying you have to get people's life force to "gourmet" levels for maximum nourishment. Dok seems to know a lot about this for some reason.
In essence, Asiel was toying with Stanley. The next thing she did was shove him harshly up against a wall, reached down to grasp his manhood, squeezed it just below the point of pain and in a seductive whisper, said, "I'll give myself to you... so long as you show your eternal devotion to me."
Stanley, now putty in her hands, said, "Anything, I'll do anything."
Asiel duly marched him to the Justice of the Peace office and they got married. As he put the ring on her finger, she pulled him to her, and whispered, "You know this is binding, right? It's forever. You are giving me your very soul."
Stanley wasn't even listening. All he wanted was Asiel. Nothing else in life mattered to him anymore.
When they arrived home, Stanley as you might expect was keen to consummate their union. But countered by saying, "Be patient, my love, I can take you to peaks of pleasure you could never dream of - even in your worst nightmares..."
"Nightmares?" asked Stanley.
Asiel smiled. "Aren't nightmares the most truly alive aspect of dreams? Where would we be with out the 'mare of the night' coming to us?"
Despite now being married, Stanley found he had to show Asiel ever more dedication - all on the promise that would let him have his way.
"I'm working my fingers to the bone, she demands more and more - an upmarket apartment, top end car. She's draining my life. I can't get away from her. I can't live without her. Please help me, DA."
At that moment, despite all is initial bluster, I saw a frail man, worn, shattered and scared.
In fact, he showed me pictures of himself on his phone from two years back, before he met Asiel. I was astonished. He was a fit and healthy, good looking young man. Now he looks like he's wasting away from terminal cancer.
He showed me pictures of him and Asiel together. She was certainly beautiful. Genuinely exotic - stunning even. But there was something about the expressions she had on her face in some of the photos. It was like she was a predator, toying with her prey. Very subtle. But it made me shudder.
Irrespective of all this, I asked Stanley if he'd been to a therapist or psychologist. In the end, the whole situation could have been psychosomatic.
"That's the first thing I did," he replied. "I told them some of my story; but all they did was say I was most likely suffering from depression and gave me anti-depressants. Sure, I was miserable when Asiel wasn't around; but I didn't buy it that I was depressed. After all, I was over the moon when she was around."
I took a different tack and asked him if he was religious or interested in the paranormal or the occult.
"God no," he said. "I'm an atheist. But since I met Asiel I have no explanations for what was happening to me - to the point I'm beginning to think there's more out there than we truly know. It's like I'm under Asiel's thrall. Like she's cast a dark enchantment over me. For God's sake, I age when she's not around. I get wrinkles and grey hair."
I told Stanley I'd discuss his case with Doktor Snake and would get back to him the next day.
I left the coffee shop and made my way back to my hotel. Coming around the block was an Asian woman, who I was pretty certain was Asiel. I recognized her from the photos. She was wearing a black dress with white stripes. As she walked past me, she suddenly turned towards me... a fierce, almost murderous look on her face... as if she could snap my neck in two. I stumbled backwards and had to steady myself against a wall to stop myself from falling.
For all I know it wasn't Asiel - could have been a woman that looked like her having a really bad day. So I shrugged it off, but hastily went through the lobby doors to some semblance of safety.
Once settled in my room I called Dok and related the story to him.
"Sounds like Stanley has a serious problem," he said. "Why don't you ask him if we can meet his wife? I've finished my business in Eastern Europe and was planning on flying over to you in the US. I've booked a flight for tonight. So I can be with you by around 5pm tomorrow. If they're up for it, see if we can do around 8pm. We'll pop around to their place and get a feel for the relationship dynamic."
I was relieved Dok would be with me. After my encounter with Asiel - or what appeared to be her - I was feeling out of my depth.
I called Stanley saying that Dok would be here the following day and felt it would be good for us to come round and meet Asiel. Stanley asked Asiel and she said she'd be more than happy to meet Dok and I. That didn't exactly make me feel at ease - by the sound of her voice in the background, it seemed to me she was way too keen to meet us.
Doktor Snake arrived at the hotel at bang on 5pm. I often wonder how he can be so punctual. He always arrives to the very second of when he says he'll arrive. I hadn't seen him for a week so we had lots to talk about. After about an hour, he waved his hand dismissively, which meant he was about to take a nap... "Need to recoup my energies for the meeting at eight - which I feel is going to be fun."
With that he nods off. He does this quite often. It's pretty annoying especially when I've got lots to say. But I sometimes wonder whether he's not really having a nap - just wants a bit of peace from his "ADHD" sorcerer's apprentice. Either that, or he's astral traveling. It's hard to tell. And if you ask him he's always typically enigmatic. You won't get a straight answer. He'll say things like, "The realm of dreams is the realm of wisdom; why only experience it when you go to bed at night? Get your wisdom when you can, I say."
Once Dok had had his "beauty sleep", we got ready and made our way to Stanley and Asiel's apartment. I was still a little uneasy. Dok, on the other hand, seemed completely unperturbed.
I rang the bell. Stanley opened the door. "Come in, thanks for coming... Good to meet you, Doktor Snake."
"Likewise," said Dok as we wandered into the plush, upmarket apartment. Asiel was sitting on the sofa, looking perfectly ordinary, like an attractive, but ordinary housewife. Somewhat different to the impression I got the previous day in the street.
At that moment Dok did something that had me truly bewildered. He walked over to Asiel and took her hand, like some medieval courtier, and kissed it saying, "Up to your old tricks, Asiel, I see."
Did Dok know this woman? I was starting to feel a fury inside me; what was going on? Why hadn't Dok told me he knew her?
With a somewhat ironic smile, Asiel said, "So it's the Serpent... with his apprentice. Have you given her all your wisdom, or just some of it? Are you just toying with her? After all, dear doctor, that is your want, is it not?"
I wanted to march over and slap her face. But Dok waved me back.
Now unsmiling Dok said, "Let's just say she's remembering. Just like I had to in this life."
Stanley looked utterly confused. "Do they know each other?" He asked me quietly.
"I've got no idea," I said. "But I intend to find out - and Dok had better tell me all of it otherwise there'll be hell to pay."
At that moment, Asiel looked me directly in the eyes, and said: "So little girl, is Doktor Snake helping you grow up?" I couldn't look away from her, such was her hypnotic gaze. Calling me a "little girl" made me want to punch her... what was worse I could see Dok was suppressing a grin... he was amused by this!!! Wait till I get him back to the hotel!
"Now, now," he said. "While cat fights are fun to watch, we might need to get down to business."
At that point I wanted to punch Dok too... which made him have to suppress his grin even more.
Dok turned to me and said, "It's probably best you and Stanley go to the other room and let Asiel and I sort the situation out."
I saw red at that! "Really now! Do you think I'm going to leave you two 'old friends' together even for one second? I don't think so."
At that moment, Asiel looked at Stanley, pointed to the other room, saying, "Go and amuse yourself. Doktor Snake and I need to talk - along with his 'little girl' if she must."
Stanley looked like a Zombie obeying her every command.
Asiel referring to me as a "little girl" again made me resolve even more to take a swing at her the first chance I got - and wipe the smug smile off her face.
When Stanley left the room Doktor Snake waved me to sit down in the ornate leather armchair to the right of Asiel; Dok took the one on the left.
"Nice place you got here," he said affecting a slight London drawl. "Gone up in the world since last time I saw you. Seem to remember you were peddling lucky rabbits' feet on street corners... and hooked up with some overweight merchant. Where was that? Minsk in Belarus I seem to recall. Took him for all he had, including, of course, his immortal soul."
"A girl's got to do what she's got to do," replied Asiel.
"You certainly do that," said Dok.
Feeling left out of the conversation, and not a little enraged, I couldn't help myself but ask, "So did you two have a thing together at one time? You both seem very cozy together."
Asiel burst out laughing. "You could say that, my dear. But not in the way you think. We go back a long way, though, don't we, Doktor Snake?"
I was starting to feel I wanted to punch them both in the face at this point. Dok had better do some explaining or he was going to feel my wrath - right in his kisser.
"A succubus certainly has sensual charms far beyond those of human lovers, of that there is little doubt," said Dok. "They know how to take a human to exquisite ecstasy."
He wasn't helping matters; I was already clenching my fist.
But before I took a swing, Dok continued, "The Succubus is like the alluring Siren to sailors - if they give in to the Siren a shipwreck is assured, and many souls will be lost, or better put, consumed. One such as I is well aware of that. As Asiel well knows, I am a man of honor; my true consort is the only one for me. She was merely playing you, looking to goad you..."
Dok raised one eyebrow, "So you can un-clench that fist now DA."
Asiel sighed. "You always played hard to get, Doktor Snake."
I'd had about enough of this wordplay, and let's face it, flirtatious exchange. It was time to deal with the matter in hand.
"So what are we going to do about Stanley? And for that matter, whoever it is Asiel has possessed."
Asiel laughed. "What do you plan to do, DA - exorcise me?"
"That's exactly what I was planning on doing."
Dok rolled his eyes, "Not another cat fight, ladies, please."
I gave Dok a steely glare and said, "So what do you plan to do?"
"Well," he said laconically like he didn't care either way - a trait of Dok's that can be very annoying. "It's a complicated matter. For a start, Asiel isn't going to take too kindly to being exorcised..."
"You can say that again, and certainly not by some little girl, sorcerers' apprentice," cut in Asiel. I had to restrain myself from throwing her a left hook she'd never forget.
"Plus we've got the issue of the woman Asiel has possessed," continued Dok. "She won't remember the last two years at all... plus there's likely authorities looking for her. Her family will have declared her missing. Then there's Stanley; he's going to lose his wife. It will be like she never existed."
"OMG, Dok, you're saying there's nothing we can do?!" I couldn't believe this. Dok can be very callous and uncaring at times.
"The truth is," he said, "there's not going to be a happy ending here, whatever we do. OK, the woman Asiel has possessed could be hypnotized into believing she had a severe case of amnesia. Get her back to her own country and family where she'll be looked after - and should get over it. As to Stanley, well... he's had a taste of a Succubus and that typically means there's no way a human woman could ever satisfy you again. Plus there's the issue of his soul. Asiel has no doubt nearly consumed it. So the best policy is to let Asiel have his soul, then dump the Thai woman at some gas station or other, where the police will pick her up and get her to a medical center."
I don't mind telling you I was enraged at this point. "I always saw you as a knight in shining armor, but not now... I'm really disappointed in you... I'm shocked, actually."
It was like Dok was on the side of this Succubus. Had she worked her demonic magick on him?
"If you're not going to do anything, I AM!!!" I said, pulling out a crucifix and Holy Bible. I would exorcise this bitch of a Succubus.
"God, Creator and Defender of the human race; you who made man in your own image. Look on this, your servant, our dear friend before us, who is assaulted by the cunning of an unclean spirit."
I ignored Asiel who burst out laughing and couldn't seem to stop.
Then Dok chimes in, "Oh, I like a good exorcism! Always fun!"
I was starting to think I'd need to exorcise him too before I was done. But I continued with my exorcism of the Succubus.
Repel, 0 Lord, the power of this Evil Spirit! Dissolve the fallacies of its plots! May the unholy temptor take flight. May your servant be protected in soul and body by the sign of the cross on her forehead.
I went over to Asiel and made the sign of the cross.
"This gets better and better," she (or it) said through fits of laughter.
"Always entertaining," said Dok.
I glared at him. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
At that moment, Doktor Snake got up and pulled out his Victorian pendulum he keeps on a brass chain in his waistcoat pocket.
"Let's have a bit of fun, shall we?"
Asiel stopped laughing. Went ashen, then screamed, "Don't you fucking dare, you pompous, pious, scheming bastard! You did this in Belarus..."
Dok's pendulum swung slowly at first, then faster and faster, until it was on a vertical axis. The room began to spin, making me very dizzy. I dropped my Bible and had to sit back down in the armchair to prevent myself from falling.
Asiel screamed again, "Don't do this to me, I'll give you anything... You can have me. I'll be all yours. You can bind me to you; your very own succubus; imagine the sheer rapture of it..."
As Dok's pendulum swung faster and faster, Asiel was on the floor, apparently writhing in agony. "No, no, no! Stop this. It's not right. You're one of our kind Doktor Snake... you've lived thousands of years... you're of the Fallen and you know it... don't do this to one of your own. Your kind is related to us..."
"We may be related to you - of the Fallen," replied Dok, "and we may not be overly concerned about humans, but we prefer to let them be... it's time to leave, Asiel... time to leave."
The room was now a blur and the apartment seemed to be shaking. I was scared the whole building would collapse; but Dok seemed unperturbed, so I did my best to stay calm and trust to what he was doing.
Asiel's whole body convulsed and she let out and almighty scream, then was gone... the woman on the floor was freed from the spirit that had possessed her. Her face became softer, her body more homely, and her whole demeanor was relaxed and at ease... she seemed to be in a deep slumber.
Dok let his pendulum wind down, then put it back in his pocket.
"All done," he said. "Time for us to go."
"But what about Stanley and the Thai woman?"
"Not much more we can do," he said. "They'll both have to figure out what happened in their own way. If we try to intervene it will likely cause more chaos. Who knows, they might even end up tying the knot for real. Stranger things have happened. Come on, let's go before she wakes up."
We looked in on Stanley in the other room. He looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. His face looked far less troubled. "What happened?" he asked.
"Put it this way," said Dok, "the demon fiend has gone. You'll slowly get your vitality back and your youth - just work out and take supplements to speed up the process. Your... er, wife... is through there. She won't know what the hell has happened to her, nor will she know she's your wife. You two will have to work this one out. I'm confident you can. It'll take time and you'll go through lots of confusion and ups and downs. But I'm certain, Stanley, that this is going to bring out the best in you."
With that Dok tipped his hat and said, "Fare thee well, old chap, life is going to be good from now on."
Back at the hotel, Dok and I were in our room having a coffee - well, a cup of tea for him because he's so English!
But I wasn't done with him.
"You strung me along back there, didn't you? You enjoyed me and Asiel having a cat fight, didn't you? You could have ended it right at the beginning. But, oh no, you wanted to have your fun. And you let me do an exorcism knowing it wouldn't work!"
After sipping his tea, Dok said, "Well, my dear, one has to go with the flow of things. Perhaps all of that was the only way to get Asiel to actually leave... catch her off guard, as it were."
"Yeah, right, " I said, not taken in by Dok's "glamchat". He's such a charmer. But I'm the one person he can't pull that one on. I know him way too well.
"You see, my dear, there's still a lot you have to learn. There's more to heaven and earth..."
I stopped him right there. "Quiet! Not another word. You're in the doghouse and you know it."
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